Yes, I am awake at 3:53am. Not able to find sleep again after waking at 2:00am. My husband came home from his three plus months working in Europe and so far it has been pretty miserable.
I believe that the Universe sends us the people in our lives who help us attain the knowledge we are meant to acquire in this lifetime. I must learn patience and practicality in this lifetime and detachment. My husband is a good teacher. I must work very hard to practice patience, keep us from overspending, and keep from judging him constantly.
In my husband's absence I have been working on meditation, practicing yoga, focusing on positive energy, taking care of myself in order to be a better caregiver as a mother, letting go of judgements, learning to focus on my actions and not the actions of others and makning ammends for my mistakes- past and current. I have gained a great deal of insight and attained a small level of "zen" and feeling of well-being and balance.
Since his return two days ago I can feel his negative energy seeping back into our household. Our daughter's difficult angry behavior is returning as he chides her every five minutes about something. I am exhausted from trying to turn his constant negative comments and actions into positives. Exhausted from the rage he expresses at anyone who does not behave as he thinks they should. His nasty comments about people. His perpetual whining about expensive things he wants to buy right now or he won't be happy. His wasteful behavior. It is like a virus that must be fought fearsely. It is truly draining to be around him as he is a black hole sucking all the happiness and joy out of everything.
My small hope that he would return as the helpful wonderful man I enjoyed for the three months before he left are almost gone as I hope that after he stops being so tired he will be less of an asshole. I know this is unrealistic but I like to gently hope that maybe, just maybe we can have the content, nice version of my husband come back soon. Not to have an expectation but understand that since my husband has once shown that he is capable of being a functional person that we might enjoy that again.
So I am awake. Not able to sleep. For the first time in several months. My head filled thoughts about dealing with my husband. Dump things that happened over the past two days. Eating at me. Me trying to let them go. Trying to forget them and keep my newfound peace. Part of the battle being to keep this kind of thing from happening. The only way to do that is to focus on myself.
Now I have done that. Focused on myself and gotten out of bed and written this blog that will probably be read by maybe one other person and probably someone I don't want reading it. But hopefully, by writing this I will be able to go back to sleep at least and store up some energy for tomorrows negative assualt. I've got PMS hormones kicking in to boot which only makes it more of a challenge.
I am grateful for this lesson.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Sunday, June 15, 2008
In the Middle
At forty-five years of age. I am middle aged. That means in the middle of one's life. I am in the middle of generations in my family. One parent is still living and I am raising children. I am in the middle of the population curve. When I am out in public I see a number of adults who are younger than me and a number who are older. About half are younger and half older. My body is telling me that I am not quite as fast as I used to be, do not heal as quickly and loose my muscle tone faster if I stop exercising. But my body continues to perform at a pretty good level without me having to give up any activities I enjoy. I am tired more frequently but still have plenty of energy as long as I get plenty of sleep. Given my genetics and excellent health -I will most likely make it to at least one hundred in pretty good shape- my life is almost half over. My face and body are showing some effects of gravity (as in slight drooping in the face, bust and butt) and overexposure to the sun in the way of some wrinkles and age spots (we used to lie in the sun for hours on end slathered in baby oil for god's sake!) but I still look fairly attractive, even to younger men.
It is an interesting place to be in one's life. There are the lessons from past experience, a little wisdom. There is more to come coupled with hopes of acheiving some of those life-long dreams like traveling the world, writing a book, really making a difference in someone's life, joining the peace corp or learning the tango.
Sometimes being middle aged puts me in a panic like when I think about things I want to do and don't have the money or time for right now. The negative little monster that lives in my psyche might say "You had better figure out a way to start your traveling soon because after you are eighty you won't get as much out of it". Or "you will look like a fool at seventy trying to learn to tango". Then other times I think about all the time I have left especially after my children are grown to do whatever I want as long as I can figure out how to have food and shelter. I think that if I have evolved this far in forty-five years how cool I am going to be at 95!
The hardest thing to come to terms with- and I think this is the key to really aging well- is that it is wasteful to spend too much time trying to preserve oneself. We must embrace and enjoy the aging process because it is inevitable. That does not mean give up the gym, the sun screen and the healthful diet. It means to be grateful to the Universe for getting you this far and grateful to the Universe for the lessons and growth to come. Get excited about it because it is coming anyway so you might as well have a good time with it.
What are some things to look forward to in aging? Please blog your answers.
It is an interesting place to be in one's life. There are the lessons from past experience, a little wisdom. There is more to come coupled with hopes of acheiving some of those life-long dreams like traveling the world, writing a book, really making a difference in someone's life, joining the peace corp or learning the tango.
Sometimes being middle aged puts me in a panic like when I think about things I want to do and don't have the money or time for right now. The negative little monster that lives in my psyche might say "You had better figure out a way to start your traveling soon because after you are eighty you won't get as much out of it". Or "you will look like a fool at seventy trying to learn to tango". Then other times I think about all the time I have left especially after my children are grown to do whatever I want as long as I can figure out how to have food and shelter. I think that if I have evolved this far in forty-five years how cool I am going to be at 95!
The hardest thing to come to terms with- and I think this is the key to really aging well- is that it is wasteful to spend too much time trying to preserve oneself. We must embrace and enjoy the aging process because it is inevitable. That does not mean give up the gym, the sun screen and the healthful diet. It means to be grateful to the Universe for getting you this far and grateful to the Universe for the lessons and growth to come. Get excited about it because it is coming anyway so you might as well have a good time with it.
What are some things to look forward to in aging? Please blog your answers.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
The Mean Reds
There is a line in the film version of "Breakfast At Tiffany's" (the film being precariously based on Truman Capote's wonderful mini-novel- I am sure there is a good story somewhere about how the studios convinced someone like Truman Capote to mutilate his work for the screen version but I am not privy to it. If anyone out there cares to elaborate, please do) in which Audrey Hepburn's take on Holly Golightly says something about the "mean reds" being worse than the blues. The "mean reds" in my opinion is the kind of loneliness that comes at night when you have been separated from your "mate" for a long period of time. My friend, A, lost her husband to cancer earlier this year. It was a matter of weeks from his diagnosis to his death. He was in his mid-forties and has left A with two children to raise, the oldest in middle school. She gets the "mean reds" at night because there is always someone to call, visit, see in the grocery, or visiting her during the day. But at night it is quiet and people cannot be disturbed from their own lives after a certain hour and there you are- a void where your husband, wife, significant other filled. They are not there for whatever reason. Death, work, a call to duty.
I know it is worse for A than for me because she has no hope of filling that void with her late husband. Maybe "worse" is the wrong word. Maybe I should say it is "different". I miss my husband because before he left on this three month job out of the country, he had become his wonderful self again. The man I married. Helpful, thoughtful, kind, supportive, a team player who wants to solve problems with me. It was a gift from "god". But my husband is an alcoholic and I am taught that expectations are silly. I have no idea who he will be when he returns from his trip. From the sound of his voice on the phone (draggy, negative, low register) and his growing unwillingness to discuss any serious issues on the phone (or email) it is pretty clear that "Mr. Asshole" will probably be coming home to us in July. But I will not waste energy worrying about it. What will happen will happen regardless of me worrying or not so why expend the energy? So, I have the "mean reds" and do not know if I am missing the man who is wonderful and waiting for him to return or if I am missing someone who may or may not show up in my life again ever. I wonder if that is similar to what military spouses go through?
I do remain faithful. I have been completely faithful to my husband throughout our eleven year marriage and since our fourth date in January of 1996 (not that we were sexually active at that point- just for the record- but I have not been with anyone else since that time). Even when we planned to separate last summer, I stayed faithful. Same man, twelve years. Not always easy but I am committed. I did kiss a man once but no tongues. I love to flirt though and the more committed I am and the older I get the more shameless my flirting becomes because there is no chance I will act on any of it.
In fact, part of the "mean reds" has to do with my age, 45. I am pre-menopausal. Ugh! I am one week late for my period and feel absolutely gross. Thank god I have been faithful to my husband! I can rest easily and know that I am either getting tired out in terms of fertility or it is the second coming. In the last few weeks I am noticing a thickening around my middle and I hate it. Vanity is a huge piece of me. I have often gotten by on my looks (at least I thought so). Getting thicker in the middle just is not a part of that. I have gone so far as to extend my gym membership to include the weight room (long story) and have an appointment with a fitness instructor to make a plan for me to become thin in the middle again. Will keep you posted on the effectiveness of this strategy. This is pretty funny as the gym is practically my second home already. I go about five days per week. Yoga two to three times per week, Zumba (a Latin style aerobics) two days per week or half aerobics half strength training. I ride my bike to the gym and walk to places in my neighborhood and try to do at least one athletic thing over the weekend like bike riding with my daughter, hiking with the dog, horseback riding, dancing, etc. I eat salad, no gluten, and little to no junk food of any kind, no caffeine and no blue cheese. Middle age means life is becoming more limited.
More on Middle age a different day. I have written away the "mean reds" for tonight and I need some sleep. Still got that cold. Need the rest.
M or VS
I know it is worse for A than for me because she has no hope of filling that void with her late husband. Maybe "worse" is the wrong word. Maybe I should say it is "different". I miss my husband because before he left on this three month job out of the country, he had become his wonderful self again. The man I married. Helpful, thoughtful, kind, supportive, a team player who wants to solve problems with me. It was a gift from "god". But my husband is an alcoholic and I am taught that expectations are silly. I have no idea who he will be when he returns from his trip. From the sound of his voice on the phone (draggy, negative, low register) and his growing unwillingness to discuss any serious issues on the phone (or email) it is pretty clear that "Mr. Asshole" will probably be coming home to us in July. But I will not waste energy worrying about it. What will happen will happen regardless of me worrying or not so why expend the energy? So, I have the "mean reds" and do not know if I am missing the man who is wonderful and waiting for him to return or if I am missing someone who may or may not show up in my life again ever. I wonder if that is similar to what military spouses go through?
I do remain faithful. I have been completely faithful to my husband throughout our eleven year marriage and since our fourth date in January of 1996 (not that we were sexually active at that point- just for the record- but I have not been with anyone else since that time). Even when we planned to separate last summer, I stayed faithful. Same man, twelve years. Not always easy but I am committed. I did kiss a man once but no tongues. I love to flirt though and the more committed I am and the older I get the more shameless my flirting becomes because there is no chance I will act on any of it.
In fact, part of the "mean reds" has to do with my age, 45. I am pre-menopausal. Ugh! I am one week late for my period and feel absolutely gross. Thank god I have been faithful to my husband! I can rest easily and know that I am either getting tired out in terms of fertility or it is the second coming. In the last few weeks I am noticing a thickening around my middle and I hate it. Vanity is a huge piece of me. I have often gotten by on my looks (at least I thought so). Getting thicker in the middle just is not a part of that. I have gone so far as to extend my gym membership to include the weight room (long story) and have an appointment with a fitness instructor to make a plan for me to become thin in the middle again. Will keep you posted on the effectiveness of this strategy. This is pretty funny as the gym is practically my second home already. I go about five days per week. Yoga two to three times per week, Zumba (a Latin style aerobics) two days per week or half aerobics half strength training. I ride my bike to the gym and walk to places in my neighborhood and try to do at least one athletic thing over the weekend like bike riding with my daughter, hiking with the dog, horseback riding, dancing, etc. I eat salad, no gluten, and little to no junk food of any kind, no caffeine and no blue cheese. Middle age means life is becoming more limited.
More on Middle age a different day. I have written away the "mean reds" for tonight and I need some sleep. Still got that cold. Need the rest.
M or VS
More environmental tips
In an effort to save the planet, yesterday I posted a blog about how wonderful it is to open your windows, let some fresh air in, cool your home at night, and save on energy consumption all day. While closing my windows this morning I realized that I forgot an important bit of information regarding keeping a house cool in summer for less (less as in energy use and less as in money). Close curtains, blinds or shades (or all of the above) on the sunny sides of your house after closing the windows. This helps a great deal in keeping your house cooler.
It all sounds so elementary but most people who have grown up in houses that are climate controlled through AC or Central heating 24/7 x 365 do not know these things. It is sort of like milking a cow. My father once expressed concern about our society in the US in this manner. He thought that if there was some sort of major catastrophe that most people in the US would not survive because they had been so removed from basic life skills such as milking a cow.
I did milk a goat once on a field trip to a farm. And after having breast fed two babies, I feel as though I have a clue what to do with cow udders to make them squirt milk but do I really know the "trick" to it? NO. Nor do I have direct access to a cow even if there was a disaster and I needed one. But I do know about saving money by opening my windows in the cool of evening on warm days thanks to my practical Dad who grew up in the early part of the last century when there was no AC in 98% of homes and most public places.
So my cold is better. I took some time to take care of myself today (something I have not been doing enough of since my husband left for a job in Europe over two months ago). I went to a meeting, to the chiropractor and used the remainder of a gift certificate from my mother-in-law for a 45 minute full body massage. (Yes, my mother-in-law is not all bad.) I am still stuffy though but have high hopes for being much better tomorrow. My editor (I write for a weekly publication in town) liked my latest theater review which is great because like most writers I am extremely insecure about everything I write and he has not been forthcoming with the praise in the last couple of months. E, my eight year old daughter is in a great mood and is playing by herself in the back yard after consuming a healthful dinner of home made guacamole, corn chips, red bell peppers, olives, grape tomatoes and farmer's market lettuce.
I am tired though so I think I will sign off. Coming soon: Impressions of a HumV owner.
Peace,
VS
It all sounds so elementary but most people who have grown up in houses that are climate controlled through AC or Central heating 24/7 x 365 do not know these things. It is sort of like milking a cow. My father once expressed concern about our society in the US in this manner. He thought that if there was some sort of major catastrophe that most people in the US would not survive because they had been so removed from basic life skills such as milking a cow.
I did milk a goat once on a field trip to a farm. And after having breast fed two babies, I feel as though I have a clue what to do with cow udders to make them squirt milk but do I really know the "trick" to it? NO. Nor do I have direct access to a cow even if there was a disaster and I needed one. But I do know about saving money by opening my windows in the cool of evening on warm days thanks to my practical Dad who grew up in the early part of the last century when there was no AC in 98% of homes and most public places.
So my cold is better. I took some time to take care of myself today (something I have not been doing enough of since my husband left for a job in Europe over two months ago). I went to a meeting, to the chiropractor and used the remainder of a gift certificate from my mother-in-law for a 45 minute full body massage. (Yes, my mother-in-law is not all bad.) I am still stuffy though but have high hopes for being much better tomorrow. My editor (I write for a weekly publication in town) liked my latest theater review which is great because like most writers I am extremely insecure about everything I write and he has not been forthcoming with the praise in the last couple of months. E, my eight year old daughter is in a great mood and is playing by herself in the back yard after consuming a healthful dinner of home made guacamole, corn chips, red bell peppers, olives, grape tomatoes and farmer's market lettuce.
I am tired though so I think I will sign off. Coming soon: Impressions of a HumV owner.
Peace,
VS
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Energy Saving Tip
I must be the worst blog poster on the planet. Six months - wow! But now I have lots to say so I will begin with some advice: This advice is about saving the planet (for the Democrats out there) and saving money (for the Republicans out there)- it is a simple tip for saving energy- regardless of how your household energy is fueled-but be careful ...this could be earth shattering for some of you out there...
When the weather permits, cool your home by opening the windows.
Yes, you can actually keep your house fairly cool by opening your windows and turning off the AC but be warned, there is an art to it.
If you leave your windows open all day you will let hot air in when the air heats up outside. This should be avoided. The trick is to open the windows in the evening when the temperature cools down and let the cool air into your dwelling. Shut the windows in the morning as soon as the temperature begins to warm outside. The cool air will stay trapped in your house as the outside air warms actually allowing you to keep your AC off longer. If you work outside your home and you do not have anyone to monitor the window closing just shut your windows before you leave in the AM.
I understand that not everyone lives in a place where open windows are practical. But think of how much energy (and money) you can save if you can open your windows at night. Another trick is to move sleeping quarters to lower levels of the house in summer or if you are lucky enough to have a sleeping porch, use it. My friend, Jamie, who lived in the city during his college years would go sleep on the roof of his building in the summer- during good weather of course.
Ceiling fans with the blades turned in the correct direction can do wonders for cooling a house cheaply in the summer. You can turn up the temp on your thermostat and remain comfortable with a ceiling fan breeze.
OK. That's it for now. I have to go to sleep because I have a cold and feel disgusting. My friend, Bob, said I am sick because I am so healthy and into clean living. His theory is that one should pollute their body to the utmost to make it as uninhabitable as possible for diseases. His suggestion to restore me to health was to smoke a pack of cigs and drink a fifth of wiskey. Naturally, I ignored his advise and am taking extra vitamin C, Nazoal, and some completely vile mushroom extract that eventhough with stuffy nose I cannot taste it makes my stomach feel as though I have consumed something totally gross. Will report tomorrow if I have the chance.
VS
When the weather permits, cool your home by opening the windows.
Yes, you can actually keep your house fairly cool by opening your windows and turning off the AC but be warned, there is an art to it.
If you leave your windows open all day you will let hot air in when the air heats up outside. This should be avoided. The trick is to open the windows in the evening when the temperature cools down and let the cool air into your dwelling. Shut the windows in the morning as soon as the temperature begins to warm outside. The cool air will stay trapped in your house as the outside air warms actually allowing you to keep your AC off longer. If you work outside your home and you do not have anyone to monitor the window closing just shut your windows before you leave in the AM.
I understand that not everyone lives in a place where open windows are practical. But think of how much energy (and money) you can save if you can open your windows at night. Another trick is to move sleeping quarters to lower levels of the house in summer or if you are lucky enough to have a sleeping porch, use it. My friend, Jamie, who lived in the city during his college years would go sleep on the roof of his building in the summer- during good weather of course.
Ceiling fans with the blades turned in the correct direction can do wonders for cooling a house cheaply in the summer. You can turn up the temp on your thermostat and remain comfortable with a ceiling fan breeze.
OK. That's it for now. I have to go to sleep because I have a cold and feel disgusting. My friend, Bob, said I am sick because I am so healthy and into clean living. His theory is that one should pollute their body to the utmost to make it as uninhabitable as possible for diseases. His suggestion to restore me to health was to smoke a pack of cigs and drink a fifth of wiskey. Naturally, I ignored his advise and am taking extra vitamin C, Nazoal, and some completely vile mushroom extract that eventhough with stuffy nose I cannot taste it makes my stomach feel as though I have consumed something totally gross. Will report tomorrow if I have the chance.
VS
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