The Mean Reds

There is a line in the film version of "Breakfast At Tiffany's" (the film being precariously based on Truman Capote's wonderful mini-novel- I am sure there is a good story somewhere about how the studios convinced someone like Truman Capote to mutilate his work for the screen version but I am not privy to it. If anyone out there cares to elaborate, please do) in which Audrey Hepburn's take on Holly Golightly says something about the "mean reds" being worse than the blues. The "mean reds" in my opinion is the kind of loneliness that comes at night when you have been separated from your "mate" for a long period of time. My friend, A, lost her husband to cancer earlier this year. It was a matter of weeks from his diagnosis to his death. He was in his mid-forties and has left A with two children to raise, the oldest in middle school. She gets the "mean reds" at night because there is always someone to call, visit, see in the grocery, or visiting her during the day. But at night it is quiet and people cannot be disturbed from their own lives after a certain hour and there you are- a void where your husband, wife, significant other filled. They are not there for whatever reason. Death, work, a call to duty.

I know it is worse for A than for me because she has no hope of filling that void with her late husband. Maybe "worse" is the wrong word. Maybe I should say it is "different". I miss my husband because before he left on this three month job out of the country, he had become his wonderful self again. The man I married. Helpful, thoughtful, kind, supportive, a team player who wants to solve problems with me. It was a gift from "god". But my husband is an alcoholic and I am taught that expectations are silly. I have no idea who he will be when he returns from his trip. From the sound of his voice on the phone (draggy, negative, low register) and his growing unwillingness to discuss any serious issues on the phone (or email) it is pretty clear that "Mr. Asshole" will probably be coming home to us in July. But I will not waste energy worrying about it. What will happen will happen regardless of me worrying or not so why expend the energy? So, I have the "mean reds" and do not know if I am missing the man who is wonderful and waiting for him to return or if I am missing someone who may or may not show up in my life again ever. I wonder if that is similar to what military spouses go through?

I do remain faithful. I have been completely faithful to my husband throughout our eleven year marriage and since our fourth date in January of 1996 (not that we were sexually active at that point- just for the record- but I have not been with anyone else since that time). Even when we planned to separate last summer, I stayed faithful. Same man, twelve years. Not always easy but I am committed. I did kiss a man once but no tongues. I love to flirt though and the more committed I am and the older I get the more shameless my flirting becomes because there is no chance I will act on any of it.

In fact, part of the "mean reds" has to do with my age, 45. I am pre-menopausal. Ugh! I am one week late for my period and feel absolutely gross. Thank god I have been faithful to my husband! I can rest easily and know that I am either getting tired out in terms of fertility or it is the second coming. In the last few weeks I am noticing a thickening around my middle and I hate it. Vanity is a huge piece of me. I have often gotten by on my looks (at least I thought so). Getting thicker in the middle just is not a part of that. I have gone so far as to extend my gym membership to include the weight room (long story) and have an appointment with a fitness instructor to make a plan for me to become thin in the middle again. Will keep you posted on the effectiveness of this strategy. This is pretty funny as the gym is practically my second home already. I go about five days per week. Yoga two to three times per week, Zumba (a Latin style aerobics) two days per week or half aerobics half strength training. I ride my bike to the gym and walk to places in my neighborhood and try to do at least one athletic thing over the weekend like bike riding with my daughter, hiking with the dog, horseback riding, dancing, etc. I eat salad, no gluten, and little to no junk food of any kind, no caffeine and no blue cheese. Middle age means life is becoming more limited.

More on Middle age a different day. I have written away the "mean reds" for tonight and I need some sleep. Still got that cold. Need the rest.

M or VS