Yes, I am awake at 3:53am. Not able to find sleep again after waking at 2:00am. My husband came home from his three plus months working in Europe and so far it has been pretty miserable.
I believe that the Universe sends us the people in our lives who help us attain the knowledge we are meant to acquire in this lifetime. I must learn patience and practicality in this lifetime and detachment. My husband is a good teacher. I must work very hard to practice patience, keep us from overspending, and keep from judging him constantly.
In my husband's absence I have been working on meditation, practicing yoga, focusing on positive energy, taking care of myself in order to be a better caregiver as a mother, letting go of judgements, learning to focus on my actions and not the actions of others and makning ammends for my mistakes- past and current. I have gained a great deal of insight and attained a small level of "zen" and feeling of well-being and balance.
Since his return two days ago I can feel his negative energy seeping back into our household. Our daughter's difficult angry behavior is returning as he chides her every five minutes about something. I am exhausted from trying to turn his constant negative comments and actions into positives. Exhausted from the rage he expresses at anyone who does not behave as he thinks they should. His nasty comments about people. His perpetual whining about expensive things he wants to buy right now or he won't be happy. His wasteful behavior. It is like a virus that must be fought fearsely. It is truly draining to be around him as he is a black hole sucking all the happiness and joy out of everything.
My small hope that he would return as the helpful wonderful man I enjoyed for the three months before he left are almost gone as I hope that after he stops being so tired he will be less of an asshole. I know this is unrealistic but I like to gently hope that maybe, just maybe we can have the content, nice version of my husband come back soon. Not to have an expectation but understand that since my husband has once shown that he is capable of being a functional person that we might enjoy that again.
So I am awake. Not able to sleep. For the first time in several months. My head filled thoughts about dealing with my husband. Dump things that happened over the past two days. Eating at me. Me trying to let them go. Trying to forget them and keep my newfound peace. Part of the battle being to keep this kind of thing from happening. The only way to do that is to focus on myself.
Now I have done that. Focused on myself and gotten out of bed and written this blog that will probably be read by maybe one other person and probably someone I don't want reading it. But hopefully, by writing this I will be able to go back to sleep at least and store up some energy for tomorrows negative assualt. I've got PMS hormones kicking in to boot which only makes it more of a challenge.
I am grateful for this lesson.
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